Add my name to the list of creepy people stalking Apple's Switch celebrities. Janie Porche is so effusively perky in her ad that I googled to see if she's a real human or some kind of test-tube baby cultured in a secret lab at Apple.

Janie PorcheIt appears that Janie is a senior at Trinity University in San Antonio, Texas, who was on the school's golf team last year, though some of her rounds were not pretty (116!) [Google cache link].

At Trinity in 1999, she was ticketed on a "minor in possession" alcohol charge with nine others and they printed Mu Iota Rho (MIP) T-shirts, offending the school's Greeks.

Janie's letter to Apple wasn't the first time she courted the attentions of Silicon Valley. As a teen-ager in 1995, she wrote a letter to Wired:

I am speaking as a member of Generation Y, the almost forgotten generation of 14- to 16-year-olds who - goddamnit - want some attention. What we don't want is more nonsense that girl games must include pink, lace, makeup, shopping, and boys. I am a 15-year-old girl who is sick and tired of wearing pink so that I can fit society's portrait of a young lady.

After reading Jon Katz's "Birth of a Digital Nation" (Wired 5.04, page 49), I was shouting "hurrah" at his description of the next generation of model citizens, citizens without stereotypes. Then I read "Girl Games" (page 98) and was so disgusted by the game industry that I could have spit. Girls my age have worked hard for the freedom to say what we damn well please and the ability to speak to elders without our heads down and eyes averted. The makers of girl games need to wake up and realize that not everyone without a penis must wear makeup and chase blond surfers named Ken.

Also, after Dave Kearns impugned the Porche family in Network World, her father and a many others sprang to her defense.

Google turned up a few guestbook comments by Netracer01, the AOL screenname from her Wired letter:

  • "So I am female, and I am talking to another female, and she tells me that when I get married she wants to be my best man. And I wonder about that. And I wonder about her. But mostly, I just wonder." (Link)
  • "ELECTRONS!!! I love them! I am going to marry a tall dark hansome electron one day. I hope it is soon!!! I will worry about the sexual side of our relationship later... " (Link)

These comments appear to defy all attempts at rational meaning, but they do convey a sense that Janie is a big geek. When you consider that along with her love of golf, unnecessary use of the word "penis" in an international magazine and her "minor in possession" spoof fraternity, she seems much more deserving of wonky Internet microstardom than Ellen Feiss.

-- Rogers Cadenhead

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